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All the feels

It’s only a few days to my graduation. I don’t know how I feel. This morning I woke up at 4am and I thought about the fact that I’m about to leave my school, my friends, and my life as I know it. It’s a big change. But I have a bigger God.

I don’t know what’s next, but whatever it is, I’m excited to walk in the rain with God. All I ask is for the grace and strength that I need. Pray with me, will you?

That said, enjoy this little song that has made me smile since Priscilla reintroduced it to me.

Have a wonderful week!

The Grace of Waiting

This is a period in my life when I have to wait. I have more to look forward to than more than I look behind at. I have a glorious expectation of life after graduation,I know that God has planted some good seeds in me that I will explore in the coming future. I wonder what life as a working class lady would be, especially when I know that there’s no going back to school at the end of the summer. What is going to change in my psyche? In my life? In my spending patterns? Even in my relationship with God?

For the most part, I am looking forward to (and praying about) joining a ministry where I can serve. I want to find a home church where I can serve in whatever ministry as needed, but preferably one of the “hidden” ministries like housekeeping lol

With all the great expectation in my heart, one big question I have time and again is the question of grace. Do I believe that God will hold me and never let me go? Do I believe Him enough to not worry about my tomorrow?

I always tell people in this season that I’ve been more fine that I thought I’d be. I thought I would be freaking out and crying myself to sleep every night because of some monumental changes that I didn’t fathom.

That hasn’t been my experience. Apart from two or three days last week when I had some weird emotions, I’ve been mostly fine. As I search my heart, I realize that the grace of God has changed something in my mind.

John 10:25-30 says:

Jesus answered, “I did tell you, but you do not believe. The works I do in my Father’s name testify about me, but you do not believe because you are not my sheep. My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.”

I read that passage a few days ago and it hit me. We are nestled both in the hands of Jesus and in the Father’s hands. Nothing can take you out of there. It’s a wonderful comfort to me. Jesus is holding on to me even more than I think I am holding on to Him.

Waiting

I tend to be like Peter at the Mount of Transfiguration. When I’m having a good time in my spiritual life, I want to remain on the mountain. I want to build a tent and remain pitched there. But the true walk of faith in God comes in our everyday, mundane activities. We really see God move in the people we are in the valley and on the plains.

Some of us have idolized the so-called spiritual experience to be the glorious times when you get a trance or see a vision or have a dream. Those are wonderful times, but what we do in the still, quiet moments of waiting is more important.

This is a reminder to me as I count down the days, and pray and wait for a dream job, and hope for a wonderful life ahead. The most wonderful day of my life is today. Today is the day that the Lord has made and in it, I will rejoice and be glad. If Jesus has me in His hand today, He will have me in His hand in one month, one year, and ten years, and for the rest of my life. As as He said in John 10:29, He will give me eternal life!

For everyone waiting for something, I pray that God grants you the grace you need!

Amen!


Featured image from Giphy.

Homesick already

The past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions.

One week ago today, I was freaking out about a paper I had to write for my sociology seminar. In one night, I wrote a 20-page paper. God is real! That was also my final undergraduate paper.

On Monday I did my thesis defense. I’m graduating with honors.

I’ve spent the better part of Monday (after the defense), Tuesday, and Wednesday talking with friends, sleeping, and being hungry lol (I’ve actually been too lazy to go get food)

Today I woke up at 9:30am and came to my office. I guess sitting and lazing around was messing with my mind, so I told my boss I was bored and I wanted to work. Actually I just want some money haha. But as I take my final rounds around my college campus, it’s finally dawning on me that I’m graduating from college. In 10 days, I will no longer be a student of my college and I’ll officially have a degree. In International Relations and English. The best decision I ever made here!

Last night I did a lot of thinking. I thought about my performance in school so far, and especially how I wish I performed better in my first year and my sophomore year. Usually I wish and wish that I could go back in time and be serious with school from the onset. But for the first time, last night, I felt immense gratitude at even completing school and pulling through those years of extreme sadness.

I don’t know, I don’t know, but coming to the end of this phase of my life, there’s one overwhelming feeling and it’s gratitude. I didn’t mean to write about gratitude in this blog post, but I guess that’s what’s on my mind.

I’ll miss my college campus. I’ll miss the quiet serenity and near boredom of this place. Nestled among the hills, here lies a paradise where minds are challenged and dreams are made. I am graduating with honors. Allow me take that in. I usually performed so badly in secondary school, I honestly believed I was a dunce. Lol. So I spent most of my time in the school chapel, because I was chapel prefect, and it was the one place where I could forget my shameful academic performance. But today, merely seven years later, I am graduating from university with honors. Lol. Today’s failures will be tomorrow’s successes.

I’m so grateful for my experience here. All the lows, all the highs, all the failure, all the disappointment, the friends, the professors, the experience. The intimacy with God I’ve gained!

I remember dark moments when I was stuck while completing my thesis. I sat on my bed bargaining with God.

“Lord, just as you made a way for the Israelites at the Red Sea, please help my stories make sense. I’m stuck here. Please dissect this story/ essay and give me a way out,” I would say, consumed with desperation.

God always made a way.

I wish I had a recording of my thesis defense because it was a glorious experience. I had three of my favorite professors discuss my work like it was magic. My english professor called my writing lyrical and rhythmical. I had to confess to them that the musicality and beauty they saw in the writing wasn’t at all my doing. I just sat down and wrote and somehow, God did the magic.

I don’t know why I’m writing all this because also this morning, it dawned on me that it’s 10 days to my graduation and I don’t yet have a job. I freaked out a little bit.

But I find peace in knowing that I’ve done all that’s there to be done. I’ve done my part, physically. All I can do now is sit and pray and wait. Really, sit and wait.

Psalm 37:7 is my word for the season:

Be still before the Lord

   and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when people succeed in their ways,

   when they carry out their wicked schemes.”

I guess this is the part of the blog where I encourage someone, where I tell you that all will be well, that you will succeed. That you are smart and beautiful and courageous and strong.

But here’s what I’ll leave with you: God will never ever fail. He is our rock. Stand on Him, believe Him, call upon Him. He never, ever fails.

See y’all tomorrow for another amazing testimony!


Featured image from here.

The Final Stretch

It’s funny how a short span of time can reveal very much. In the past few weeks, I have worked harder than I’ve ever worked throughout my four years in university. I don’t really think I’m very hardworking or resilient. In the past, I struggled to find activities that completely capture my attention and keep me engaged for long periods of time. But in the past few weeks, as I’ve been wring my thesis, I’ve come to see and love a new part of me.

I have seen that when I put my heart to something, I can work round the clock to make it happen. Writing did that for me. The fear of graduating with regrets that I could have worked harder kept me going, and on Monday, May 1, I submitted my thesis. I should do the mandatory Facebook and Instagram posts thanking God and my friends and fans for the victory haha. But I guess I’m either happily boring or haven’t fully accepted the fact that I finished my thesis to actually get around to doing those yet. Or maybe I never will. The “likes” are great but then, what? 😀

Today as I sit in my empty office at past 10pm, begging God for grace to complete my final paper, I reminisce on the journey that this final semester in college has been.

If I could go back, I would do certain things differently.

For one, I’d take much easier classes. I have taken all higher level classes and done very well in the past, but throw in a 150-page thesis of all original work and you have a little complication. I worked very hard for one of my classes and yesterday, when I got my grade, I literally sat on my bed and wept like a baby. Lol. You don’t want to perform badly in your final semester in college, do you?

So if I could go back, I wouldn’t take that class. I would focus on more fun and relaxing classes. But when you’re in a situation like mine- where I had a hold on my account (for the umpteenth and last time) and had to literally take any classes that were left, I cannot complain much. I did my best, I really did. And although I don’t think that class favored me, I move on with joy.

Random fact- did I ever mention on the blog that I had a head concussion this past semester? I found it very funny, but from the warnings I received at the health center, it was quite a serious case. Oh well, here I am, standing and almost done with college, despite having a head concussion in my final semester.

Today I’m just checking in with all you all to say that God is good and His mercy endures forever.

runningAlso, randomly, I feel like my body has almost betrayed me in these past few days. On Monday, I literally felt like my mind and body shut down. I also had horrible stomach cramps, and I couldn’t get my mind around typing one more word after I submitted my thesis.

I have had to beg God and to cajole myself into leaving my room to finally start on my final paper, which will be submitted after this all-nighter I’m about to pull.

Advice for the kids- take the most fun and least stressful classes you can find in your final semester. Also, pray that you don’t have any holds on your account so you can actually take nice classes and not just what’s left. Lol.

That said, I’ve missed my blog very much. I’m happy that I don’t put myself under the pressure to produce spiritually profound material anymore. At this point, I’m more focused on just writing one sentence after another, because the ability to do that is in itself a miracle.

Thanks to everyone for your prayers, may God be with you. I can’t wait to eventually share all the mighty testimonies that are headed my way!


Featured image from giphy

Oh, to find your purpose in life!

You know you’ve found your purpose in life when doing it makes you disappear.

That sentence isn’t the best but I can’t figure the words out so I’ll try to explain.

When you’re doing something you enjoy so much that you lose cognizance of your own self and your being while you’re doing it, that’s when you’ve found what you’ve been created to do.

Basically, when a dancer who loves dancing is dancing and they enter a realm where nothing else matters, not even themselves, apart from the dancing, they’re doing what they’ve been created to do.

Same with singing, and writing, and doing research, and so on and so forth.

And this isn’t about doing it in an absent-minded or aloof sort of way, this is when you heart and mind are so connected to the task at hand that they focus completely on it.

I heard that when I was listening to a talk by famous Nigerian writer Ben Okri. I haven’t been able to read any of his work. I tried to read his most popular book The Famished Road some years ago in secondary school, but I just couldn’t. The book revolves around Azaro, a spirit child, or ogbanje, children who are somehow in charge of their own destinies. So they are born and stay for a few years if they like the world, but it they don’t like the world, they die, but somehow come back because of the call of destiny upon their lives. Spirit children are very common in several parts of Africa, but I don’t know conclusively if it’s an actual phenomenon or a myth. But who’s to define that’s a myth? Because I don’t know something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

The Famished Road combines magical realism and fantasy, and also is a statement on colonialism. Anyway, all of this is to say that I considered Okri’s work a little too smart for my teenage head in those years, but perhaps I’ll take another look soon.

In the talk I watched, he also said that writing is like meditation on paper. Basically, the writer is compulsed by the very present, very urgent call of writing and almost like a madness, they must respond. I completely agree. First I’m working with so many deadlines so I literally have to write like crazy.

words-have-power

But also, in writing this blog, there have been times, like right now, when there’s something on my mind to say, and it so compels me that I simply have to say it.

Writing makes time for itself. He also mentioned that, and I think how true it is. I’ve probably had the littlest sleep in this past week since I got to college, but somehow, I’ve also been very active and engaged with my writing. Somehow a blank page doesn’t scare me so much, somehow, re-reading my own words isn’t so tasking any more.

That’s because my writing has made a way for itself. It has taken over my mind and changed my attitude to very many different things that I love greatly, even sleep.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine told me that  from the things I said and what he’s observed, I feel closest to God when I’m writing. It’s true. Because I’m working in a creative space when I’m writing, I’m working in tandem with God, the greatest Creator and Creative of all time.

Also, I’m doing exactly what He’s gifted me to do.

Isn’t that crazy?

I hope some part of all I’ve said today has made sense to you. I literally took a little break from my day to share these thoughts on writing with you, and also to encourage myself to keep going.

🙂

With profound gratitude.

I sat on my bed this morning, doing my morning devotion and writing in my journal, and thought about the past few days. These past few days have been filled with a lot of adrenalin, as I’ve been writing and writing and writing.

But as I thought about what I wanted to say to the Lord, one thing was foremost on my mind. The Lord has been good.

He has done exceedingly, abundantly, above all that I have ever asked or imagined, and even more so with the things I haven’t been able to imagine.

How would I have known, four years ago, that I would end up in this college, and make some of the best friends I ever could have had? Who would have known that I’d be sitting up all night writing a thesis and genuinely enjoying the process? When I thought I was the laziest person ever, I see the little things in my life that God is changing.

I’m learning the concept of working with God on His own schedule, according to His own promises. Many times I’ve asked Him why He’s given me my own unique experience, why I’ve had the friends I’ve had, and the church I have, and the teachers I’ve had. I ask Him how He formulated my own cocktail of experiences, unique to me alone.

And I am reminded of His love. His abounding, abundant, overwhelming love that is personalized to me. 

So today, I only have three words on my heart, thank you Jesus.

You’ve been good to me. You have been very good to me. You have taken me from nowhere and you have given me a voice and a backbone. When obstacles come, I am reminded of your love, I am reminded of your life. You are life. You’re not just a life-giver, you are life itself, and what else is there to desire, when you have life itself?

There’s a lot to be said, but it all comes down to this: Thank you Jesus.

Especially on this Easter Monday, when all I’m thinking about is the sacrifice of the cross. Jesus died for me today. His mercy over me is new every single morning. I don’t have to work on yesterday’s anointing, I don’t have to work with yesterday’s miracles. There are new miracles to be seen, new frontiers to conquer. There is something fresh and new and exciting every single day in the walk with the Lord.

How amazing is that?


Featured image from here.