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Homesickness and rememory

This has been a most beautiful week. Easily one of the most beautiful weeks I’ve had in Dublin. I’ve made friends, whose company I truly enjoy; I’m getting a hang of my role at work, and I can find my way around this new city much easier than before.

But it’s also been a most emotional week, the good emotions though. Joy, peace, gratitude, clarity of thought (is that an emotion?)

Yesterday I went to see a movie with my friends at 10pm (don’t worry, my area is safe.) It wasn’t the wisest decision as we all had work the next day, but as one of my friends said, you only live once. Also tickets were only 8euros so it was a financially smart decision.

On our way back, my friends and I (me and three guys) took pictures by the bridge, and generally made good cheer. I must have used the word “beautiful” at least a hundred times. The bridge was beautiful, as was the water, and the sky, and people, and life, and God’s goodness. As I stood by the Samuel Beckett bridge overlooking the Liffey, I realized that indeed, God is wonderful, and His mercies endure forever.

If you’ve been reading my blog for long enough, you know a little bit of my story. You know about that time when I was almost kicked out of school because of no school fees. You remember when my grandmother died, and how I had to mourn alone far away from my family. You also remember when I was severely stressed out in school. You know that I don’t deny the incredible privilege that I have in my parents, who have sacrificed everything to give me the education I have today. You know of the friends who have held my hands and prayed me through thick and thin.

One big prayer I said when I knew that I was moving from New York to Dublin was that God would expand my heart to make room in my heart for me to meet and embrace new friends. I prayed that when people saw me, that they would see a most joyful, peaceful, and compassionate spirit. I literally want people to see me and want to fall into my arms because they are reminded of the peaceful and joyful love of Jesus. I want people to see the Grace of God all around me.

That has come with a lot of almost crying moments, because God has made my heart so tender towards His children, and has given me some new grace to give allowance, to give space, to let people blossom into their own selves.

This afternoon at work, I’m listening to some of my favorite albums over the past few years. I’ve listened to a little bit of Asa’s Bed of Stone, and Brymo’s Klitoris, and Simi’s Simisola. As you all know, music always transports me to specific place in time and a specific location. So these songs are reminding of where God has brought me from, of how good He’s been to me. How He has carried me in His arms and given me all the grace I’ve needed. Indeed, great is His faithfulness, and all I have needed in life, His arms have provided.

Look how far He’s brought me, and rejoice with me. Think about His mercy and remember that He is close to you. Be encouraged.

What’s my point in writing all these?

I want you to hold on. I want you to know that the sun always shines again, that God is infinitely good, and His lovingkindness is eversure.

I want you to know that nothing you have is for you. You’re much too small for all of God’s blessings to be yours only. He has given you the joy and the peace and the grace that you enjoy for you to tell the whole world about His goodness and kindness.

Now that I’ve told you, go forth and spread the good news!

:p

 

Some days are like that

Hello everyone, I hope you’re all doing very well.

Life still gets overwhelming.

A few days ago, I was having a conversation with my recruiter; as in, the lady who called me and liked me and passed me through the first round of interviews for my job. As we spoke over hot chocolate, she asked me about how I’m adapting to my new city and job and life. I’m adapting well, I said, but it’s still just hitting me that when I packed my bags and waved goodbye to New York, I was heading into a city that I had never even visited. I was essentially heading out into the unknown.

All I had, as I made that big move, were my faith in God and my trust in His promises. And boy has He been good!

However, some days, like today, I still get overwhelmed. I’m here at work, trying to work well. I’m at that phase where I kind of know enough to walk around my office and my city without the fear of getting lost. But on the other hand, I’m still growing, I’m still learning, I’m still getting used to this new life. There’s a lot I don’t know. Still.

(An aside– here’s a song my father sang for me over the phone sometime ago. I quite enjoy old music, so I’m sharing it here so that my daddy will smile when he sees that I’ve been actively listening to the music of his youth haha)

Today started off as an amazing day. Last night, I slept earlier than I have in a long long time, so I woke up more refreshed than usual. But sometime after lunch, this veil of fear came over me. I’m not suffering from imposter syndrome, but I’m wondering how I will make it. Will I hit my targets, will I perform well at my job?

Honestly, I know in my heart that the answer to those questions is yes, but I still wonder how I will climb the mountain. How will the journey be? How will my performance at this job go?

A friend of mine just reminded me that I serve a God of overflow. He said that just at God has given me above and beyond what I imagine, He will bring my performance to above and beyond what I imagine. And everyone will marvel, and I will point them to my Jehovah over-do. The one who strengthens me.

I have been meditating on Psalm 18, and these are a few verses that have been immensely comforting to me.

“He maketh my feet like hinds’ feet, and setteth me upon my high places.

34 He teacheth my hands to war, so that a bow of steel is broken by mine arms.

35 Thou hast also given me the shield of thy salvation: and thy right hand hath holden me up, and thy gentleness hath made me great.

36 Thou hast enlarged my steps under me, that my feet did not slip.

37 I have pursued mine enemies, and overtaken them: neither did I turn again till they were consumed.”

I hope this little cute except of Psalm 18 brings you all the joy you need for this present season of your life. Remember that God has strengthened your feet like hinds’ feet, He has set you up on high places, and taught your hands to war. By your hands, a bow of steel is broken. What strength, what immense strength!

I wish you God’s good blessings today and always!


Featured image from here.

How is this done, again?

Long post ahead, but so so worth it haha!

So… here am I. Sitting at my desk, at work, at 6:16pm on a dark Monday evening, because it’s winter here and daylight is gone by 4 or 5pm, at the latest.

I can’t believe my life– how gloriously beautiful it is, and how deliriously happy I am. I can’t believe how grateful I am. How excited I am. How kind my Father is.

Thing is this: I try and try, but there are no words or ways to describe our God. There’s nothing I can say that will quantify the magnitude and depth of love and gratitude that I feel towards this God.

There are a few things I’ve learned over the past few months that I’ve been away from the blog. The biggest of them is that God is faithful. He is kind, and He is loving, and His very existence is love.

To avoid rambling, here are snippets of what I’ve learned over the months.

1. Gratitude will carry you– Yesterday was thanksgiving service at church. And I danced and danced and danced and danced. I was dancing so much I was almost in tears, like that dance that comes from deep within your spirit that makes you want to just remove your clothes and dance some more. I had to keep dancing to stop myself from crying like a baby, because I kept thinking about God and all that He’s done for me. It’s really crazy, isn’t it?

Look at me– I grew up in a small town in Kaduna south in Nigeria, but God took me. He snatched me and gave me the best education and now look where I am? Sometimes I want to just hold God and shake Him and yell “do you know how good you are? Do you have the slightest idea of how kind and loving you are? What are you, this God? Who are you? Tell me and I’ll search for you my entire life, and then I’ll die and go to heaven and love you some more.

2. True peace lies in the arms of Jesus– You can search far and wide, go high or low, but you’ll never find it like Jesus gives it. When I just got here, I had trouble sleeping because I was in a new environment and my mind was all over the place. But now, I sleep like a baby, and I want to sleep and sleep and sleep. God is making my new apartment a home for me. This new life is slowly and surely beginning to feel like mine. This is me, a full time employee of one of the best companies in the world. This is me, having a routine, and doing well, and spreading the love of Jesus. Most of all, this is me, trusting God like no man’s business. This is me, loving God will all my breath.

3. You will grow up, and get better– I remember in my third year of college, I made a pact to wake up at 7am to have personal bible study for at least one hour before beginning my day. Needless to say, that only went on for a few days. But now, look at me? Waking up and having quality personal time before beginning my day. When I was a little younger, I always thought that I’d do really badly with a routine, that I’d never be disciplined, that I’d never be an excellent individual. But, although I’m not like Daniel yet, I’m making my way there. God is holding my hand and leading me on. And here am I, completely emotional that God has given all of this to me.

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Yesterday evening, I was having a conversation with two of my friends– the most handsome twins I’ve ever seen. Doesn’t help that they’re also very kind and sweet and God fearing– which is such a breath of fresh air. I think about them and heave a sigh like, yes, somebody finally gets this God thing.

Anyway, we were talking about life and God. I told them about an event we had at work, where some black students around the area came for a career day at the office. In the students’ eyes, I could see passion and a strong zeal to succeed. They asked question after question about how I applied, and how I got here, the application process, my experience so far. And most of all, they left me lost for words.

I’m not here because of anything I’ve done. As I’ve said on this blog, I wasn’t the brightest student in secondary school. In fact, I was consistently close to the bottom of the entire class haha. Then I went to A’Levels and somehow found myself. And in university, God gave me the grace to actually embrace the gifts that He’s given to me (like writing haha). He led me to courses that would come easily to me, and that I’d love. He helped me graduate with an excellent result, and now He’s given me a wonderful job.

I certainly am not the most organized or disciplined person there is. I’m definitely not the smartest, neither am I the best at anything. I don’t even pray as much as I should. I could give more, be kinder, and be more loving. But God. My God is a faithful God and He’s kept me in His love.

I have only one answer to the question of what I myself have done- prayer and fasting. I don’t like to say this much, but this story would be incomplete without mentioning that I prayed and fasted to God from the depth of my heart at the beginning of this year. I wanted a smooth transition. I wanted to have more than enough cause to testify. I spent almost the first two months of the year fasting. And God heard. That’s it. Life hasn’t been perfect, but He’s been a most perfect God to me.

I don’t know how else to say it. I don’t know what else to say. But that I called on God and He’s been good to me. He’s answered me, He has given me much more than I could ever imagine or ask or think. He’s a good, good, Father. He’s the best decision I’ve ever made. I only pray for grace to serve Him more.

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Side note- please pray for God to make a way for me to go to church more often. Like during the week. Sundays are fine because I take the bus to church, but on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which are bible study days, it’s so hard to get to church after work because of the long bus ride and the unreliable bus system, and the fact that I don’t have a phone (long story lol)  But God who has brought me this far will take me farther.

On this blog, I’ve shared sadness, grief, tears, disappointment, and joy. But one thing is certain- that God is good, and I want you to know Him. I want you to develop a loving relationship with Him, because that’s where life really is!

Feels great to be back here!

 

Angels All Around

I’m incredibly horrible at saying goodbye. When the moment to move forward comes, I have this lump in my throat, and it always seems like the tears are lurking somewhere behind my eyes. Today, I took one of my closest friends to the bus station for her to catch a bus back home. Yeah, I’m being vague with where the “home” is, because we’re all in such a transient phase of our lives that it’s difficult to tell where our homes actually are. It’s this interesting phase between officially still living with your parents, so their house is home, but you’re also done with college, so we’re now officially considered adults. 
Anyway, just before she left, we prayed. While I was busy committing this girl to God’s hands, she began to cry. It took everything in me to not cry as well. What use would it have been? I was trying to be strong, despite the very drastic change that will come from seeing each other daily for most of college, and now not knowing when next we’ll spend time together. 


Transitions are difficult, but they also foster incredible growth. I say this thinking about myself, as I’ll begin a new work position in a country and continent I’ve never visited in a few week’s time. It won’t be like college, where I had a few friends already before I arrived. I’m moving a new place. I don’t really know anyone there, I only have my trust in the God who created the universe and everything in it. I trust that God will take me where I need to be and provide a new community to add to the friends and family members I already have. 
One prayer I say very often is that God will enlarge my heart. I want to be love and compassion personified. I want people to see me and gravitate towards a sweet spirit, where they can lay their heads and be gently redirected to Jesus Christ. I want to live and show Jesus in everything I do.
I pray that moving to a new country will somehow enable me to enlarge my heart and make room for more. To give more of myself to people, to serve God more, to love Him more, and to love myself more. 
This is my short reflection for today. Other than that, I’ve been doing very well. Incredibly well, actually. I was in the post grad funk for just a few short weeks, but now I’ve accepted the fact that I will have a full time job and a completely new routine from anything I’ve ever known in my life. I don’t know exactly where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing this time next year, except that I hope I still have and do enjoy my new job haha. But one thing I’m certain of is the fact that God is good and His love endures forever. 
He’s carried me from my home country to four years in the U.S., where I’ve experienced incredible growth and made amazing friends, like the one who was weeping like a baby at the bus station this morning haha. As I too will move on very soon, He’ll carry me and give me new friends and a community of people who will love Him and love me as well.
I hope you’re all doing well. ❤

Tricky, tricky, summertime

Summer isn’t usually my best season spiritually. The lack of structure often throws me off balance, and because in the past, I didn’t have the best work ethic and discipline, my spiritual life often slacked. But this summer has been different. It’s not anything I’ve done differently, but it’s about a God who’s faithful whenever we ask. I prayed to God that this summer, I would draw closer to Him like never before, and despite being only a few weeks in, I can see a noticeable difference.

I realize now that I had been in a season of my life that has come to an end. Over the past seven or so weeks, from about the beginning of May till early June, it was as though a dark cloud hovered above my head. I’m not being dramatic. I’m usually very joyful, even in the face of the gravest situations, but for some reason, I found that I wasn’t feeling that Jesus joy down in my soul.

Today I write because I am in a different season. I am in a very different time. I feel this energy in my spirit and I know, I just know, that the next season of my life will be amazing. Amazing like bright colors and fireworks in the sky. Amazing because me and Jesus have just has another intense season and I’ve come out of it invigorated. 

summer

Here are a few things I’ve learned

What goes on inside you is more important than what goes on outside. I used to think that crises only happened externally. I used to think that problems only come at us. Now I realize that the things from within can cause much more turmoil to your life than the things from outside. I was so fearful of my post graduation season that I felt very crippled. I had prayed and fasted and trusted God for so much that when He did grant my requests, I did not even remember how to be joyful and how to praise Him. I was in mild denial that He had done all that He did. How pitiful. We ask and ask from God, and then He does, and we don’t even know how to react. Thankfully, I regained a new balance and I look back now in total awe of God’s mercy. 

I’ve learned that when Jesus is sitting in your boat, you can be at a storm and still have peace, perfect peace that the world cannot take away from you.

It is important to note what you do when you don’t feel your best. I wouldn’t ordinarily share this, but I did a fast that I believe loosened the post-grad lethargy I had been feeling for a few weeks now. I didn’t eat for three days, and on the last day, I had a very important phone call. Although the meeting didn’t go as I’d hoped, I clearly heard the Lord telling me to go and eat, although it was only about noon and I had planned to eat at 6pm. I felt like David in 2 Samuel 12, where he pleaded with the Lord to spare the life of his first son with Bathsheba. The Lord rejected David’s plea and the son still died, but right afterwards, David bathed and ate, although he had been in mourning and prayer for one whole week.

After my phone call I ate, knowing in my heart that God had perfected all that concerns me. He has perfected every single thing that concerns me. Isn’t that an amazing promise? He has perfected every single little bit of every tiny thing that concerns Alheri. Isn’t He amazing?

I wrote about the fast because I think fasting is an amazing spiritual exercise. When we take our minds off food and our physical needs, we wait on God in a way that we wouldn’t ordinarily do. We lay ourselves out before Him and indicate that we’re desperate, we’re serious, and we’re ready to hear from Him.

I knew that something wasn’t right with me. I knew, without a doubt, that I was going through a season, and that God was calling me to “come up higher,” and now that I look back at how I responded to that call, I can only thank God for the spirit of obedience. I want to to encourage you to fast. When times are hard, fast. When all is rosy, fast. When you feel spiritually stale, fast. You can go any period of time, but make a deliberate and intentional effort to wait upon the Lord. It is always worth it.

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In the past few days, I spent a lot of time asking myself why I write this blog. I don’t necessarily see myself as an encourager or an inspirer. All I do here is share my journey with God, because I strongly believe that in the word of the Lord, there is inspiration and encouragement. I share what God has done for me, because the testimony of the righteous encourages.

I believe that as I say what’s on my mind and heart through the different seasons of my life, you too are encouraged in your journey with God.

I pray that you encounter Him, that you go farther in your journey with God, not merely because you’ve heard about Him, but because you want to experience Him for yourself.

If I get to heaven and one person points at me and says I encouraged them in their journey of faith, I will be eternally satisfied. Just to know that you read my tiny corner of the world wide web and were encouraged to live a life for Jesus, that’s all I want. That God will use me, everything about me, to bring glory to His name. That’s true fulfilment.

If you’re giving up, please don’t. Jesus sees you and He heard your heart’s cry. He will pull you out and He will come to your comfort. Today I have joy in my heart that is bubbling and literally keeping me up all night studying the word of God and pressing further into Jesus. That can be your story, too. This can be your reality.

Jesus has promised that all those who come to Him, He will in no wise cast out. Give your heart to Him today and watch Him transform your life.

Xx.


Featured image from here. 

A heartfelt note to all my friends

Dear (insert your name),

I fight alongside you.

I may not know what you’re going through right now. Perhaps you’re looking for a job and trying to figure out the next steps of your life. Perhaps you’re going through family crises, and you’re wondering why your lot in life is so bad. Or maybe you’ve just suffered the most devastating heartbreak, or maybe it’s a loss. You’re grieving and you’re hurting. You’re asking many questions, you’re crying yourself to bed every night. You’re sinking deeper in the hole and no one seems to hear. No one understands. There’s no one to speak with, no one is listening to you.

You’re at the end of the rope, you’re about to give up. You’re just on the verge of ending everything. You’re asking God if He loves you, if He can hear your voice, if He even knows you exist.

I want you to know that I fight with you, on my knees, in fasting, and in prayer. I want you to know that even when I may not call you, it’s only because I don’t have the right words to say, and I don’t know how to be a friend to you in this season. But please rest assured that I am waging war for you and alongside you.

I want you to know that your tears are not unheard, your cry is not in vain. Even though you may not see us, there is a cloud of witnesses giving for you, loving you, praying for you, presenting your case to the court of heaven. The God of heaven hears you. He knows what you need. He sees your heart’s need, and He will grant it according to His power.

I heard something very exciting from a sermon over the weekend.

Philippians 4:19 says “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus.”

Let’s take a closer look at this verse. God meets our needs according to His riches, and not from His riches. Because He meets our needs according to His riches, when He gives to us, He gives in proportion to what He has, and not merely from a portion of what He has.  God’s riches are infinite, therefore He meets our needs to an infinite measure. Giving according to His riches means that He cannot give bad or half-hearted gifts because that is not in His nature. He can only give you the best gifts because He is the best Father.

What is bothering you today? What is on your mind?

For those of us recent grads, I understand that these days may feel dark and lonely. Perhaps there’s pressure from your parents asking what the next steps are, or maybe from your friends. All these people in your life may mean well, but at the end of the day, there are only so many times you can say “I don’t know” to people without having them think you’re being unnecessarily sneaky.

I want you to know that I am praying with you, and I take my office as a friend very seriously. I do not want you to know me and live a mediocre life. I do not want you to watch the blessings of God and not partake of them. I believe that we are all called to succeed, to live a prosperous life and be in good health. I want us all to excel. 

Take a look at the verse below:

“And in that day ye shall ask me nothing. Verily, verily, I say unto you, Whatsoever ye ask the Father in my name, He will give it you. Hitherto have you asked nothing in my name: ask, and you shall receive, that your joy may be full.

John 16:23-24

Jesus has promised that He will give whatsoever you ask the Father in His name. And He wants you to ask until your joy is full. He is not tired of your voice, He wants you to stretch your faith just a little further, until your joy is full. Don’t settle, ask until that joy is full!

Let’s keep trusting God together. This is only a season and everything good will come. Believe and hold fast, this too shall pass. You’ll be stronger, wiser, and more pruned for the Master’s use through this difficult season.

Here are a few words from my devotional this morning:

“Even the floods did nothing but lift [Noah] heavenward and the wind only wafted him on his way. Everything outside the ark was in total ruin, but only inside was rest and peace.

Without Christ Jesus we perish, but in Him there is complete safety. Noah was so shut in that he would never desire to come out, and those who are in Christ Jesus are in Him forever. We will never come out from Him, for eternal Faithfulness has shut us in, and our evil enemy can never drag us from safety.”

Because I have nothing else to give you, I place you in the love of God and in the peace of Jesus. All I ask is that you please remember to share your testimonies with me!


My devotional is called Look Unto Me by Charles Spurgeon (I know, I’m a little bit of an old soul, using a devotional written by someone who lived in the 19th century. :p)

What I see…

This post is continued from yesterday’s. Some months ago, I wrote this prayer on my blog, here’s an excerpt:

I want you to break me. I want you to break my heart and tear my spirit apart. I want you to lead me to those deep, deep waters where I will stand with nothing else but a broken spirit and ask you to take complete authority.

I want you to lead me to the end of myself so that I find myself in you. I want you to remove every avenue for me to apply my human wisdom so that I rely on nothing else but you. I want you to utterly confound me with serious challenges that will lead me only to You. I want you to confuse me, turn my senses, experiences, and personality on their own heads.

Take the things that I hold dear and place them far from me so that I run in only one direction: towards you. Take all that I have so doggedly pursued over the years, whatever it may be, and show me just how insufficient it is.

Make me more like you. That sounds very easy, and it’s something that we say all the time. But this time, I mean it. Your glory was in your cross, give me my own cross. Your dominion was in going to the pit of hell and obtaining the keys to the kingdom, take me through hell and bring me back out so that I can stand securely on your own word alone.

Teach me what it means to need you, to long for you, to yearn for you. Teach me what it means to be thirsty for your word and to be unsatisfied until I find myself in you.

No matter what it takes, do it. It may be painful, it may be rough, I may not even understand. Just do it and do it your way.

I maintain that prayer today. Even now that I don’t understand why I feel this way. (Honestly, I think I’m just really homesick. I haven’t been home in three years, and there’s only so much Facetime and phone calls can do. Especially after through graduation, when everyone has a chorus of supporters and friends, from near and far. I did have people to support me, but I always looked forward to my mother’s beaming eyes and my father’s proud shouts “that’s my daughter, that’s my daughter” as I walked across the stage. Well that didn’t happen. I shouldn’t be this sad, should I? But I am. Whatever. Really, I do this all for them, for my family, and since they weren’t there to share in the moment, it’s seemed so insignificant. God is still here, thought, so that’s something.)

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I wrote this one week ago. I’ve come to such a wonderful place right now, it’s almost unimaginable that I felt that way just a short while ago. Anyway, please come back tomorrow for the update. 🙂

I know, I know, many of you are expecting to heat the best and the latest from my camp. It’s been an amazing ride with the Lord so far. I’ve drawn much closer to Him in these past few post-graduation days, and I’m so at peace, and so excited about the next phase of my life as things have come full circle in my journey in the U.S.

Here are the very vague details (annoying, I know). I’ve got a job with an amazing tech company so I’m leaving the U.S. at the end of the summer. I’m trying to secure a summer internship so I don’t sit at home and get fat. So far I’ve spent my days mostly talking with God, hanging out with friends in N.Y. (but mostly at home because no money to be flexing up and down the city), and sleeping. I’m enjoying this time, I really am. Eating home food and having my favorite friends around my hasn’t ever been more blissful.

How are you all doing? Tell me, tell me.

Also, don’t be like me and try to pick the negative from the positive. Keep your eyes on Jesus, and on the Father, and rest in the company of the Holy Spirit. It’s all you need in this life, till you join them in heaven!

 

What do you see?

The more I sit and think about the past few weeks, the more true peace and security seem elusive. I always thought that graduation would be this momentous occasion where all of my life’s questions would be answered. I thought completing my thesis and doing well at it would bring me such fulfilment and accomplishment and purpose. I thought getting a job would calm all of my heart’s fears and secure a bright future for me.

All of those things have happened. I graduated, with a good result. I got a dream job. But there’s something missing.

I know, I know, I sound very spoilt and ungrateful. Yesterday a friend of mine told me that in these past few weeks, all I’ve done is complain despite having a lot to celebrate. I don’t know why, but that’s very true. I’m searching for a true north, for some place where I can lift my eyes away from the banality of daily living.

I should never have taken a break from blogging. I forgot how much joy and peace I derive from sharing the Lord’s goodness on this tiny slice of the internet. But I did take the break, because I wasn’t in the best place mentally and I didn’t want to write unless I had the best and most uplifting things to say. Unfortunately, I don’t, but I hope you’ll bear with me as I work through all these emotions and thoughts myself.

There’s a fear that has been bubbling in my heart for sometime now; that I would get to the end of my life and look back with only one question: and then what?

That was the same question I had on my mind after submitting my thesis, and after receiving my results, and after getting my job. And then what?

It’s the same question that woke me up today at 4am and that left me staring and staring at the rising sun, until I dragged myself out of bed and into my quiet time with God.

I have concluded that in all of these things, if we don’t have God, then we don’t have anything.

Graduation

I am literally living my dreams. This is the period when I should stand on this cliff, just before I set sail into my glorious future, embarking on a remarkable career, and making lots of money, and supporting my family. Just as I have always dreamed. I have waited, and prayer, and hoped, and believed for the days I’m living now, but there’s just some feeling in the back of my mind that I can’t shake off.

It has manifested in many different ways over the past few weeks. It’s come as disillusionment, fatigue, and worse of all, envy. Extreme envy. I don’t consider myself a jealous person, because life has humbled me enough to know that someone will always have something better, and that my worth is not based on the standards of the world. But some days ago, I heard the best news from someone very close to me, and in the split second before I shared my congratulations, I questioned God. Why does this person keep winning at everything? Why can’t they just feel a little pain or suffering? Why can’t I have this one thing that they have?

That’s a very dangerous place to be, in fact, it’s the most dangerous place to be. It takes the focus off God, and causes us to not only glorify the idols in our hearts, it also causes us to hate others and spew negativity.

I have been very afraid of confronting these feelings because I don’t want to sound ungrateful. Yesterday my diploma came in the mail (because there was some delay in balancing my accounts so I didn’t get it on graduation day.) When I opened the envelope, I stared at the glossy piece of paper, all written in Latin, and said a quick prayer to God. I finally had it; a diploma to state that I had completed my undergraduate education at a prestigious institution. I was officially released into the world to do great things. But I looked at the diploma and thought how much it paled in comparison to the many questions I have on my heart.

I always thought that my pre and post graduation season would be plagued with questions like where am I going next? Would I get a job? Bla bla bla.

All those are answered, and somehow, God has come through to show me that in all things, it’s only He that matters. We can attain perfection in the eyes of the world, but if Jesus is not exalted above all things, nothing really matters.

 

All the feels

It’s only a few days to my graduation. I don’t know how I feel. This morning I woke up at 4am and I thought about the fact that I’m about to leave my school, my friends, and my life as I know it. It’s a big change. But I have a bigger God.

I don’t know what’s next, but whatever it is, I’m excited to walk in the rain with God. All I ask is for the grace and strength that I need. Pray with me, will you?

That said, enjoy this little song that has made me smile since Priscilla reintroduced it to me.

Have a wonderful week!

The Grace of Waiting

This is a period in my life when I have to wait. I have more to look forward to than more than I look behind at. I have a glorious expectation of life after graduation,I know that God has planted some good seeds in me that I will explore in the coming future. I wonder what life as a working class lady would be, especially when I know that there’s no going back to school at the end of the summer. What is going to change in my psyche? In my life? In my spending patterns? Even in my relationship with God?

For the most part, I am looking forward to (and praying about) joining a ministry where I can serve. I want to find a home church where I can serve in whatever ministry as needed, but preferably one of the “hidden” ministries like housekeeping lol

With all the great expectation in my heart, one big question I have time and again is the question of grace. Do I believe that God will hold me and never let me go? Do I believe Him enough to not worry about my tomorrow?

I always tell people in this season that I’ve been more fine that I thought I’d be. I thought I would be freaking out and crying myself to sleep every night because of some monumental changes that I didn’t fathom.

That hasn’t been my experience. Apart from two or three days last week when I had some weird emotions, I’ve been mostly fine. As I search my heart, I realize that the grace of God has changed something in my mind.

John 10:25-30 says:

Jesus answered, “I did tell you, but you do not believe. The works I do in my Father’s name testify about me, but you do not believe because you are not my sheep. My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.”

I read that passage a few days ago and it hit me. We are nestled both in the hands of Jesus and in the Father’s hands. Nothing can take you out of there. It’s a wonderful comfort to me. Jesus is holding on to me even more than I think I am holding on to Him.

Waiting

I tend to be like Peter at the Mount of Transfiguration. When I’m having a good time in my spiritual life, I want to remain on the mountain. I want to build a tent and remain pitched there. But the true walk of faith in God comes in our everyday, mundane activities. We really see God move in the people we are in the valley and on the plains.

Some of us have idolized the so-called spiritual experience to be the glorious times when you get a trance or see a vision or have a dream. Those are wonderful times, but what we do in the still, quiet moments of waiting is more important.

This is a reminder to me as I count down the days, and pray and wait for a dream job, and hope for a wonderful life ahead. The most wonderful day of my life is today. Today is the day that the Lord has made and in it, I will rejoice and be glad. If Jesus has me in His hand today, He will have me in His hand in one month, one year, and ten years, and for the rest of my life. As as He said in John 10:29, He will give me eternal life!

For everyone waiting for something, I pray that God grants you the grace you need!

Amen!


Featured image from Giphy.