Where is God?
He’s been good to me but to be honest, I really couldn’t care less about the internships and the paychecks.
All I want is to truly and intimately know His presence.
This work is difficult. Some days I have absolutely nothing to say on the blog, but I manage to push through, because of course, it’s God’s work and not mine, so I don’t call the shots, He does.
I ask myself how long this will go on for- how long will I be making a prayer request, or asking for healing, or for forgiveness? I pray for better days when life will be blissful and I will have no care in the world.
Then when those blissful days come, and all my prayer requests are answered, like today, I wonder where the days of pensiveness and a keen spirit are.
The work of God is lonely, the road is long and arduous.
The most difficult reality is that it doesn’t always feel like He’s there. It doesn’t always feel like He’s watching.
What do you do when you don’t feel enough?
I was on the phone with my mother last night and she asked why I was studying english and international relations, and not medicine, engineering, or accountancy. I thought of everything I’ve been through, how it’s been God who has held my hand through coming to America, where I knew no one, except a couple friends who wouldn’t even be much help in case of extreme emergency.
I felt like I was not enough. With everything I’ve done, with everything that I am, I still am not enough. I would be a better child if I were smarter and I was studying one of the more difficult subjects. I’m not enough, even when I spend my nights completing applications for my siblings so they have better opportunities than I ever have.
I still am not enough. When I do everything a dutiful child should do. Make the phone calls, send the dollars. Pray for them. Love them. I would be better if I did all the things that I did not do.
There’s always more. There’s always more. There’s always more.
I often ask God why I am always in need. Of mercy. Of grace. Of His love. Of His presence.
Why is there a deep longing in my soul that has not yet been satisfied? Then when I ask Him, I wonder why I always want more. Why am I not content with how much I know Him? Why do I spend hours and hours listening to sermons, reading my bible and books, yet I feel like I’m not even started yet?
Why does it feel like there’s so much more? Why does it feel like I’m not even at the tip of the iceberg yet?
Then there’s the fear that in the end it’ll not be worth it. That one day I’ll falter so badly that He’ll take a look at me and walk away. That one day, He too, will me that I simply did not give enough. That I didn’t love enough. That I was not enough.
But you know, it’s only one bump on the road. I don’t call the shots, He does. So I wipe my tears, which of course, are not enough yet. I dust myself and I carry on. One more bible study, one more sermon, one more session of praying in tongues, and binding and casting, and declaring, and speaking.
Perhaps, one day, it’ll all be enough.
But for now, one more step, one more step. One after the other.
It’s the little drops that make the mighty ocean.