christianity
Comments 22

Do you ever feel like you’re not enough?

Where is God?

He’s been good to me but to be honest, I really couldn’t care less about the internships and the paychecks.

All I want is to truly and intimately know His presence.

This work is difficult. Some days I have absolutely nothing to say on the blog, but I manage to push through, because of course, it’s God’s work and not mine, so I don’t call the shots, He does.

I ask myself how long this will go on for- how long will I be making a prayer request, or asking for healing, or for forgiveness? I pray for better days when life will be blissful and I will have no care in the world.

Then when those blissful days come, and all my prayer requests are answered, like today, I wonder where the days of pensiveness and a keen spirit are.

The work of God is lonely, the road is long and arduous.

The most difficult reality is that it doesn’t always feel like He’s there. It doesn’t always feel like He’s watching.

What do you do when you don’t feel enough?

I was on the phone with my mother last night and she asked why I was studying english and international relations, and not medicine, engineering, or accountancy. I thought of everything I’ve been through, how it’s been God who has held my hand through coming to America, where I knew no one, except a couple friends who wouldn’t even be much help in case of extreme emergency.

I felt like I was not enough. With everything I’ve done, with everything that I am, I still am not enough. I would be a better child if I were smarter and I was studying one of the more difficult subjects. I’m not enough, even when I spend my nights completing applications for my siblings so they have better opportunities than I ever have.

I still am not enough. When I do everything a dutiful child should do. Make the phone calls, send the dollars. Pray for them. Love them. I would be better if I did all the things that I did not do.

There’s always more. There’s always more. There’s always more.

I often ask God why I am always in need. Of mercy. Of grace. Of His love. Of His presence.

Why is there a deep longing in my soul that has not yet been satisfied? Then when I ask Him, I wonder why I always want more. Why am I not content with how much I know Him? Why do I spend hours and hours listening to sermons, reading my bible and books, yet I feel like I’m not even started yet?

Why does it feel like there’s so much more? Why does it feel like I’m not even at the tip of the iceberg yet?

Then there’s the fear that in the end it’ll not be worth it. That one day I’ll falter so badly that He’ll take a look at me and walk away. That one day, He too, will me that I simply did not give enough. That I didn’t love enough. That I was not enough.

That.I.Am.Not.Enough.

But you know, it’s only one bump on the road. I don’t call the shots, He does. So I wipe my tears, which of course, are not enough yet. I dust myself and I carry on. One more bible study, one more sermon, one more session of praying in tongues, and binding and casting, and declaring, and speaking.

Perhaps, one day, it’ll all be enough.

But for now, one more step, one more step. One after the other.

It’s the little drops that make the mighty ocean.

This entry was posted in: christianity

by

Hey, my name is Alheri and I'm obsessed with Jesus. This blog is me keeping my promise to Him for answering a prayer. Purple is my favorite color and my favorite scripture is Jeremiah 32:27 which says "Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh: is there anything too hard for me?" (KJV) You can contact me at msalheri@gmail.com

22 Comments

  1. Pingback: Come home, Jesus is not disappointed in you. | Ms Alheri

  2. Adaobi says

    This post really resonated with me because I often feel the same way. I was really touched by your openness in this post. I also want to thank Muyiwa and Kwadwo-Truimph for the insightful comments they made. I pray that God will help me to remember these truths always.

    Like

    • Muyiwa and Kwadwo come in here and receive the compliments due you!
      Thank you Adaobi for reading! It means a lot to all of us! 🙂

      Like

  3. egor f egbe says

    Alheri, you sound so philosophical! What is enough? When is it enough? What is the turning point? What is the end point value? And enough of what? Prayer? Gifts? Medals? Terms in Office? Fame? Property? Money?

    Ask Michael Jackson’s family. Ask Nkurumah’s family. Ask Michael Jordan. Ask the Sultan of Brunei. Ask Abiola’s family. Ask Bill Clinton and Hilary Clinton of USA. Ask Mudduch’s family. Ask Babangida. Ask Otedola. Ask Dangote. Ask Serena Williams. Ask Obasanjo. Even ask Baba GoSlow! Ask Museveni. Ask Paul Biya. Ask Mugabe. Ask Bolt. Ask Maduro. Ask Assad. Ask Reik Machar.

    But i think it has only been Apostle Paul in the Bible that has ever pointed to having done ENOUGH…. I have fought the fight and run the race…..

    Today there is not even enough of …drinking water, electricity, refined petroleum products, essential commodities – food and medicine, motor-able roads, rail tracks, wild life, peace, tranquility, foreign exchange, IDP camps….

    Methink there are enough only of IDPs, migrants, refugees, deaths, malnourished children, vulnerable children, endangered species, hate speech, hatred, VVF, child-marriages, mass graves, racism, slavery, child abuse, rape, human trafficking, cattle rustling, herdsmen menace, molestation, kidnapping, thuggery, militancy, fake drugs unemployment.

    Are really in any way thinking that the world is still a better place to live? Debate-able!

    Like

    • The world can be a better place. We can solve the problems of this world. They may seem insurmountable, but only for a period. All of this will come to an end. That is my earnest hope and prayer. By God’s grace.

      Like

    • I think for people who are truly motivated by pure passion and love, it is never enough until we have crushed all our personal expectations. But the presence of ambition shouldn’t mean the absence of contentment. It’s a thin line, and one that we all must honor!

      Like

  4. I love your devotion, I think god is the most addictive thing we can experience. I think that the longing will never stop, so I always remind myself that I cannot keep any of the things I receive. I can only enjoy them while they are there without relying on them to stay with me. Keep it up 😊

    Like

  5. Pingback: You’re never enough because it’s never about you. | Ms Alheri

  6. Muyiwa says

    ALHERI, my heart hurts for you. And i empathize with you at this moment. A number of things you mentioned especially about at times feeling “not enough” resonate deeply with me too.

    I am not trying to lambast you with a long story or anything, but encourage you. I hope and pray this is seen in that light. Simply to encourage you. With the Truth.

    The Fact I can categorically tell you is that: YOU ARE ENOUGH. Why can I confidently tell you this even though I haven’t seen you in five years? It is because I know of some other truths.

    1) You are not enough. And that is okay. God’s Word tells us that “You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.” (Roman 5:6) We were, are utterly helpless and powerless without Him. And He knew. And STILL He died for us. Our helplessness and “un-enoughness” does not faze our Father

    2)You became enough BECAUSE He is! We are united in Christ. Complete in Him. Yes, we will have longings that can’t be fulfilled in this life until Christ returns and we see Him fully and our faith is turned to sight. But His completeness is Enough. And a done deal. Rest in that. Rest in that. Rest in that. Look at His completeness, gaze until that Truth is burned in your memory. Because as long as we try to work our own form of completeness, we do not rest in the fact our Sole TRUE identity rests in the COMPLETION of Christ. You are complete only because He is. Remember that Truth afresh and I pray it encourages you. We will boast of His righteousness alone (Psalm 71:16) and the lies of the enemy trying to make us feel incomplete will just make us laugh. “Yeah satan, you think I am not good enough? So do I. God gave me His Goodness and turned the tables around” (You lose, satan. Always and always)

    Alheri, I know you know these. I am very convinced you do, but as Christians we are to encourage each other. When the Christ is “weak” in you He may be strong in me so I can build you back up and encourage you. When He is “weak” in me He may be strong in you to build me back up and encourage me

    It is well with you and I pray our God who is the source of all comforts (2 Cor 1:3) comforts you in this time. He loves you intimately and is near to the brokenhearted. Continue to cry to Him, rest, sleep, groan, cry some more. He is not going to dump you as weak and needy (He knows you are). He is for you and will restore your joy in Jesus’ name, Amen. I love you sister/friend!

    Liked by 1 person

      • Of course. I did. Even though I’m not Christian or I don’t follow Jesus. I believe in God and follow Him. And I read whatever if it’s about Him 🙂
        And, you are welcome and thank you for the question 🙂

        Like

        • Thank you! I was just curious, because I felt so far from wise writing that post. But thank you for reading, and for your support. Means a lot. 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  7. Alheri, you are doing more than enough. That hunger and thirst is still there and rightly so because we are made to want God and the more we get Him, the more we want and long for Him. He is the same Person who puts it in us. So the fact that you need and want Him more is evidence that God longs for you too.
    But with the fears, don’t entertain them. They’re not of God. Lose sight of yourself – your good and your bad all. Don’t focus on you. It’s not about you. It is all about Jesus. He is enough. And if you are in Him and He is in you, you’re more than enough. You see, when you make it about you and you focus on you, you’ll always think you’re the one doing all those things. But it’s never you. It is Jesus. And to say or think you’re not doing enough is to actually tell Jesus He is not doing enough. Because Alheri, it’s never you.
    Trust me those doing the difficult courses wish they were reading English and doing International relations or some “less difficult” and having all the fun that comes with it. You know why, because many are doing those courses to please men and society. They’ve never tasted the joy, peace and freedom of making their own choices based on their convictions and the leading of God. It will do you good to be at peace on the fact that God has good plans for you – long before you were born – and they are taking you to an expected end. You’re not about to live that life! You’ve been living it since your first breath. And God has been guiding your steps to where His plans should lead you. You’re not outside His will. Don’t compare. It does no good. Believe you’re on the right path and it leads to fullness of joy and a fulfilled life. We are all on different paths. I might not know much about you but I will never believe you’re not on your God-ordained path. All your life experiences, all the education, the family you were born into, the loses and gains, are together making you the vessel God wants you to be. And I believe so strongly you’ll be all God has called you to be. And I have reason to believe it is no small destiny. You’re destined for greatness! Might not come in the shape and form you might be expecting but it will come. You’re not enough. We are never enough. Because it is never about us. It is all about Jesus and He is more than enough. What you’re doing for your family is enough because it is Jesus doing them. And He wouldn’t do any more of less if He was here in person. What you’re doing in school is enough because it is Jesus doing it. Rest my dear. Go to sleep on all the fears and worries and confusion. They are not from God anyway. He is the God of all flesh, is there anything too hard for Him? 😊

    Liked by 1 person

Your turn! What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s