This post is continued from yesterday’s. Some months ago, I wrote this prayer on my blog, here’s an excerpt:
I want you to break me. I want you to break my heart and tear my spirit apart. I want you to lead me to those deep, deep waters where I will stand with nothing else but a broken spirit and ask you to take complete authority.
I want you to lead me to the end of myself so that I find myself in you. I want you to remove every avenue for me to apply my human wisdom so that I rely on nothing else but you. I want you to utterly confound me with serious challenges that will lead me only to You. I want you to confuse me, turn my senses, experiences, and personality on their own heads.
Take the things that I hold dear and place them far from me so that I run in only one direction: towards you. Take all that I have so doggedly pursued over the years, whatever it may be, and show me just how insufficient it is.
Make me more like you. That sounds very easy, and it’s something that we say all the time. But this time, I mean it. Your glory was in your cross, give me my own cross. Your dominion was in going to the pit of hell and obtaining the keys to the kingdom, take me through hell and bring me back out so that I can stand securely on your own word alone.
Teach me what it means to need you, to long for you, to yearn for you. Teach me what it means to be thirsty for your word and to be unsatisfied until I find myself in you.
No matter what it takes, do it. It may be painful, it may be rough, I may not even understand. Just do it and do it your way.
I maintain that prayer today. Even now that I don’t understand why I feel this way. (Honestly, I think I’m just really homesick. I haven’t been home in three years, and there’s only so much Facetime and phone calls can do. Especially after through graduation, when everyone has a chorus of supporters and friends, from near and far. I did have people to support me, but I always looked forward to my mother’s beaming eyes and my father’s proud shouts “that’s my daughter, that’s my daughter” as I walked across the stage. Well that didn’t happen. I shouldn’t be this sad, should I? But I am. Whatever. Really, I do this all for them, for my family, and since they weren’t there to share in the moment, it’s seemed so insignificant. God is still here, thought, so that’s something.)
I wrote this one week ago. I’ve come to such a wonderful place right now, it’s almost unimaginable that I felt that way just a short while ago. Anyway, please come back tomorrow for the update. 🙂
I know, I know, many of you are expecting to heat the best and the latest from my camp. It’s been an amazing ride with the Lord so far. I’ve drawn much closer to Him in these past few post-graduation days, and I’m so at peace, and so excited about the next phase of my life as things have come full circle in my journey in the U.S.
Here are the very vague details (annoying, I know). I’ve got a job with an amazing tech company so I’m leaving the U.S. at the end of the summer. I’m trying to secure a summer internship so I don’t sit at home and get fat. So far I’ve spent my days mostly talking with God, hanging out with friends in N.Y. (but mostly at home because no money to be flexing up and down the city), and sleeping. I’m enjoying this time, I really am. Eating home food and having my favorite friends around my hasn’t ever been more blissful.
How are you all doing? Tell me, tell me.
Also, don’t be like me and try to pick the negative from the positive. Keep your eyes on Jesus, and on the Father, and rest in the company of the Holy Spirit. It’s all you need in this life, till you join them in heaven!